Josh and Jimmer

Many Jimmer Fredette fans were held captive last night during the BYU basketball game. I have to admit until a few months ago I had never heard of Jimmer Fredette.  However, our family has quickly been swept up in "Jimmer-Mania", Ken, Sydney, and Tyler especially. Tyler even wrote a Jimmer rap, it's pretty cute. I'll have to post it sometime. So it's a bummer that BYU lost last night.  :(

But that was not the only exciting basketball game in our house last night, BYU Hawaii also played. Our nephew, Josh, plays for the Seasiders, they are fighting for the division II National Championship. They were down to the final four. Last night they won an undefeated number 1 ranked team. They play in Boston on Saturday for the National Championship. We are so excited and proud of Josh.

I realized that the first college game I ever saw Josh play was at the Marriott Center against BYU. Even though I didn't know anything about Jimmer at the time I wondered if I got any pictures of Josh and Jimmer playing together. I thought my kids would think that was so cool since they are big fans of both. I only found one shot of them both together and of course it's of their back sides, but hey, at least it's a picture right?

GO JOSH! GO SEASIDERS!

WE'LL BE CHEERING FOR YOU!!!



6 Weeks Young

 Aftyn is 6 weeks old today. She is 7lbs. 5oz. and growing slowly but surely. She is no longer sick, and is doing really well. Here are a few pics of our little beauty.

Payoff Moments

Sometimes motherhood is a tough gig.

And sometimes you get payoff moments.

Here are a few of those moments in my week.

 Kaylie: Kaylie went to the District Science Fair on Wednesday. She got an Honorable Mention Award for her project, and I missed the whole thing. That was the evening we had to take Aftyn to the doctors. The only appt. I could get was just as the science fair was starting. I had my fingers crossed that we could make it back by the time the awards ceremony started. No such luck. Just as we got to the High School Kaylie called us to let us know it was over and she was on her way home with a friend. I started to cry thinking what a crappy mom I was for missing her special moment. I told her I didn't want her to think she wasn't important to me. Okay, here's the payoff moment (well first one was the honorable mention award, this was the second) she said, "Mom, don't cry. It's okay, as long as Aftyn's okay that's all that matters." Ah...she didn't even show any concern for herself she was only concerned for her sister well-being. She is such a good sister. Not to mention an awesome scientist!

Sydney: Last night Sydney got inducted into the National Junior Honor Society. Another payoff moment. I love seeing the kids learn and grow and discover who they are. Syd has had a great year in Junior High, this is just one more opportunity to serve others, and develop her talents. She is blossoming and this proud momma think she makes a beautiful flower.

Okay, I need to wrap up all this mushie-gushie stuff cause I have a baby fussing for her grub. Here's just one more.
Daric: Last night as Ken and I were putting him to bed. He said, "Mommy, hug, tiss, tiss" (kiss, kiss) then he gave me a sweet hug and gently took my face in his hands and softy kissed both cheeks before he planted an affectionate smooch on my lips. Am I not a lucky momma?  

And now I get to snuggle with my little precious.

Thank goodness for the payoff moments!



Do you remember when Elizabeth Smart went missing? Instantly overnight my heartstrings were attached to a stranger I had never met. She became a part of my thoughts and prayers regularly and my heart just broke for her family.

I remember the day she was found. I remember where I was, what I was doing, and the exact day it was. It was March 12, 2003. I was standing by my car in the parking lot of my pediatricians office when my sister-in-law said, "Did you know they found Elizabeth Smart today"? I thought for sure she meant they had found her dead body. I had given up hope that she was still alive. When she explained that she had been found alive I couldn't believe it. I was so thrilled. I couldn't wait to hear how she was doing and if she was okay. I distinctly remember feeling a great disappointment when the family was so quiet with the media when she returned. I tried to respect their need for privacy, but in some small way I felt jipt.

This post really isn't about Elizabeth Smart. I just thought maybe some of you could relate to that experience. It is how I can imagine some of you may feel about Zachary. I haven't mentioned him much since his birth and perhaps you are also feeling a little jipt.

It's taken me some time to process everything. Things happened completely different from what I had imagined. I thought that we would go in and I would have a regular birthing experience like the previous seven. I imagined giving birth to Aftyn and rejoicing that she was finally here and safe. We would have a moment to celebrate. Then I would give birth to Zachary and we would have a moment of sadness and grieving. That was going to be our chance to say good-bye. Part of me was really looking forward to this because I knew that Zachary's spirit would be there that day and I was looking forward to feeling him near me.

Things didn't go like that at all.

I didn't get to have a "normal" delivery. I got to have an emergency C-section. That changed everything. Not that I'm complaining...it saved Aftyn's life. It just changed everything. Everything happened so fast. In some ways I think it was a tender mercy because in the moment we didn't have to deal with the sorrow of losing Zachary, but we also didn't get to finish the grieving process the way we wanted to. It was a bitter/sweet experience, but any way it happened that would have been inevitable.

After Aftyn was born she was taken to the respiratory therapist, then quickly out of the OR to the nursery. I only got to see her for just a second. Ken went with her and was not allowed back into the OR again. I couldn't see or feel anything from my neck down. I don't even know when Zachary was born except that I heard one of the other doctors ask a question and my doctor responded by saying, "Oh, she is a twin". I'm assuming that's when Zachary was born.

It was then that I tried to block the chaos happening around me and see if I could just feel Zachary's spirit. I was so disappointed because it took all my strength, thought and energy to not panic. I was a bit freaked out by the whole c-section thing.  All I could do was close my eyes and try to remember to breathe. The room was loud and busy with lots of people doing whatever they were doing, each having their own conversations. I was unable to concentrate.

A few moments later my nurse came to me and I asked her if hand and footprints were a possibility. She shook her head and said, no. She made it sound like there wasn't much to see and that Zachary had mostly reabsorbed which we knew was a possibility. Honestly I never could comprehend how a baby that I saw and felt could just disappear, it still doesn't make sense to me.  She asked if I wanted to see. I couldn't believe I was having to make that decision while I was lying on an operating table with my guts hanging out. I knew I couldn't do it. I couldn't start crying right then. I felt like if I didn't stay calm I would die. I know I wouldn't really die but I sure felt that way at the time. I shook my head in response to her question. At that point I was in survival mode. All I could think about is getting off that table alive.

And that was it.

It wasn't until the next day that it even dawned on me that Ken never got a choice. That broke my heart. He was where he should have been, with Aftyn, but that took away his choice to see Zachary. That fact still leaves a sting when I think about it.

I had a chance to speak with my doctor and he explained to me Zachary's condition. Which was exactly what I wanted, a tiny little fetus. Totally different from how the nurse described things to us, but in her defense none of the nurses knew what to expect. None of them had seen this before and I think she just didn't know what she was looking for. She didn't see anything right away and just assumed that he wasn't there. Not the case.

So again bitter/sweet. In reality we had the best case scenario we were hoping for but we didn't know it until it was too late. It has taken some time to process through different emotions, but I felt like I left you all hangin' long enough. And I didn't want anyone to think that he's been forgotten. He hasn't ...and never will be.

Zachary Thomas Kenneth Roberts - born still...yet still born. My little Angel. We love you.

Deja' Vu

Tomorrow, March 4, 2003, will be 8 years since our little 4 week old Emma almost died from RSV.

The last few days have been like deja' vu because our little 4 week old Aftyn now has RSV. She has been sick with cold like symptoms since Monday. Ken and I took her into the pediatricians last night and today they confirmed that she does have RSV. One great thing that hospitals have now that they didn't have 8 years ago is a bronchiolitis outpatient clinic. We were able to take Aftyn to the hospital to get suctioned out then bring her home with us instead of leaving her in the neo-natal intensive care unit like we had to do with Emma (Aftyn is not nearly as bad as Emma by the way) She is actually doing pretty well, considering she's sick. It's enough to scare me but not send me panicking as of yet. Poor little girl also has an ear infection. She had to have a shot of antibiotic last night and another again today. So sad...it broke my heart to see her hurting. She held her breath for about 15 seconds before she could calm down enough to breathe. I think she is doing a little better today but the doctor said that days 8 & 9 are sometimes the worst so she will most likely get worse before she gets better. She stills only weighs 6lbs. 11 oz. (her birth weight). I guess she burns alot of calories eating, sleeping, and pooping.

Oh, I don't like seeing my babies sick. :( :( :(

Friendship

Yesterday my sister-in-law, Julianna, posted the following note on her facebook account....

I need friends....no I mean, real friends.

I'm really struggling in the friendship department (and I don't mean on facebook) right now. It's not that I don't have friends, I just feel like I don't have very many really good friends. I'm craving that in my life right now, but I'm never willing to step out of my comfort zone. I don't know how to make friends anymore...the really good kind. The kind that will hang out with you not matter what your house looks like. The kind that won't judge you for the color of your hair. The kind that you could talk to, laugh with, cry with, and never feel embarrassed, hurt or afraid. I don't want to know a little bit about their life, I want to know about their soul. Like the kind of friendship I have with my sisters. I want more of those kind of friends around me. Is it normal to feel this way when your a bit older and have a job, a family, a million and two responsibilities?

How do I make really good friends? I need a workshop, a tutorial, perhaps an intervention.

This note really got me thinking. How many of us can relate to how she feels? I know I can at times. Although I don't know that I could have articulated my feelings as well I feel like Julianna could have been speaking for me or so many other women. Don't get me wrong I have some great friends. True, true, wonderful friends. But sometimes I wish I had more close friends. I have found that my truest friends are not always the ones I see or talk to all the time, most live some distance away, but they are the ones that are always there in spirit if not in person when things get tough, they are the ones that you can go months or even years without speaking to them pick up right where you left off as if you were never apart. They are the ones that truly understand me even when you haven't said much. I have friends like that. But there are times when I feel so alone and just crave friendship.

I want to be the person that invites friends over for Sunday dinners, summer BBQ's, game nights, girls night out, or just spending time together hanging out talking or sharing each other talents. I want to be that person...but I'm not. Life always seems to get in the way, or maybe it's my own insecurities getting in the way. I am not the friend I wish I was, so I am going to make an effort to do better.

I think that Julianna's comment was heartfelt, well written, and honestly surprising. Surprising because I would have never guessed that she would feel that way. I hope my sister (I'm dropping the in-law part. It's only a technicality and it's always annoyed me so from her on it's just sister.) doesn't mind me sharing this. Sorry, I didn't ask. I just thought it was something worth sharing. My sister, Julianna, is a smart, talented, beautiful, sweet, hard working mother of two little girls. She works full-time outside of the home, while my bothers stays home with the girls and works part-time. She has a large family with siblings that she is very close to. She and my brother go lots of places, do lots of things, they always seem busy to me. They love family and fill there time with good things. From my perspective life seems so full it would leave little room for more. But perspective is a funny thing...it can be wrong. Julianna taught me a valuable lesson. Although our everyday lives are very different we are still so similar. We feel the same and have the same needs. Just like all of us do. Unless you are just strange, I've never met anyone who doesn't need friends. It was so refreshing for me to hear Julianna express her feeling so openly. It makes me wonder how many other people I have been wrong about. From now on I won't assume that because someone looks from the outside like they couldn't possibly be lonely that they aren't in need of a friend. I'm going to try and step out of my comfort zone and make a new friend and be a better friend to ones I already have.

Just something to think about.