Do you remember when Elizabeth Smart went missing? Instantly overnight my heartstrings were attached to a stranger I had never met. She became a part of my thoughts and prayers regularly and my heart just broke for her family.

I remember the day she was found. I remember where I was, what I was doing, and the exact day it was. It was March 12, 2003. I was standing by my car in the parking lot of my pediatricians office when my sister-in-law said, "Did you know they found Elizabeth Smart today"? I thought for sure she meant they had found her dead body. I had given up hope that she was still alive. When she explained that she had been found alive I couldn't believe it. I was so thrilled. I couldn't wait to hear how she was doing and if she was okay. I distinctly remember feeling a great disappointment when the family was so quiet with the media when she returned. I tried to respect their need for privacy, but in some small way I felt jipt.

This post really isn't about Elizabeth Smart. I just thought maybe some of you could relate to that experience. It is how I can imagine some of you may feel about Zachary. I haven't mentioned him much since his birth and perhaps you are also feeling a little jipt.

It's taken me some time to process everything. Things happened completely different from what I had imagined. I thought that we would go in and I would have a regular birthing experience like the previous seven. I imagined giving birth to Aftyn and rejoicing that she was finally here and safe. We would have a moment to celebrate. Then I would give birth to Zachary and we would have a moment of sadness and grieving. That was going to be our chance to say good-bye. Part of me was really looking forward to this because I knew that Zachary's spirit would be there that day and I was looking forward to feeling him near me.

Things didn't go like that at all.

I didn't get to have a "normal" delivery. I got to have an emergency C-section. That changed everything. Not that I'm complaining...it saved Aftyn's life. It just changed everything. Everything happened so fast. In some ways I think it was a tender mercy because in the moment we didn't have to deal with the sorrow of losing Zachary, but we also didn't get to finish the grieving process the way we wanted to. It was a bitter/sweet experience, but any way it happened that would have been inevitable.

After Aftyn was born she was taken to the respiratory therapist, then quickly out of the OR to the nursery. I only got to see her for just a second. Ken went with her and was not allowed back into the OR again. I couldn't see or feel anything from my neck down. I don't even know when Zachary was born except that I heard one of the other doctors ask a question and my doctor responded by saying, "Oh, she is a twin". I'm assuming that's when Zachary was born.

It was then that I tried to block the chaos happening around me and see if I could just feel Zachary's spirit. I was so disappointed because it took all my strength, thought and energy to not panic. I was a bit freaked out by the whole c-section thing.  All I could do was close my eyes and try to remember to breathe. The room was loud and busy with lots of people doing whatever they were doing, each having their own conversations. I was unable to concentrate.

A few moments later my nurse came to me and I asked her if hand and footprints were a possibility. She shook her head and said, no. She made it sound like there wasn't much to see and that Zachary had mostly reabsorbed which we knew was a possibility. Honestly I never could comprehend how a baby that I saw and felt could just disappear, it still doesn't make sense to me.  She asked if I wanted to see. I couldn't believe I was having to make that decision while I was lying on an operating table with my guts hanging out. I knew I couldn't do it. I couldn't start crying right then. I felt like if I didn't stay calm I would die. I know I wouldn't really die but I sure felt that way at the time. I shook my head in response to her question. At that point I was in survival mode. All I could think about is getting off that table alive.

And that was it.

It wasn't until the next day that it even dawned on me that Ken never got a choice. That broke my heart. He was where he should have been, with Aftyn, but that took away his choice to see Zachary. That fact still leaves a sting when I think about it.

I had a chance to speak with my doctor and he explained to me Zachary's condition. Which was exactly what I wanted, a tiny little fetus. Totally different from how the nurse described things to us, but in her defense none of the nurses knew what to expect. None of them had seen this before and I think she just didn't know what she was looking for. She didn't see anything right away and just assumed that he wasn't there. Not the case.

So again bitter/sweet. In reality we had the best case scenario we were hoping for but we didn't know it until it was too late. It has taken some time to process through different emotions, but I felt like I left you all hangin' long enough. And I didn't want anyone to think that he's been forgotten. He hasn't ...and never will be.

Zachary Thomas Kenneth Roberts - born still...yet still born. My little Angel. We love you.