Waking Up

My morning started at 6:45, it went like this....

Ken: Nancy did you open Daric's door?

Me: No

Ken leaves to investigate then comes back to our room.

Ken: Nancy, you didn't take Daric out of his bed?

Me: No, Ken. I haven't been up with him at all.

Ken: His door is open, his crib is down, and he is GONE!

I'm thinking the little dude escaped and was somewhere in the house making mischief somewhere. But I knew that Ken was thinking something worse. I knew he was thinking someone took him, the kidnapped kind of took him. Ken ran down stairs and I began checking bedrooms up stairs. Only seconds later I heard Ken talking to someone down stairs and I knew Houdini had been found.

He was sitting in the dark office at the computer merrily pushing buttons, doing his 'work' as he explained. "I pushing, I work", he said.  "I licious (we call him d-licious) I licious" as if to remind us that he is so cute and mom and dad don't be mad.

I was surprised that during his 'freedom run' he didn't head straight for the kitchen. I was anticipating him sitting on the floor of the kitchen with a bag of marshmallows between his legs or something.

The scary thing is that Ken and I didn't hear a thing. I think I'll be investing in some child door locks today.  

28 Weeks

Today I am 28 weeks pregnant. That means I have been pregnant for 196 days. I have 84 left to go, but I am hoping that it's really closer to 70 days. I think two weeks early sounds really nice. That would mean that in 10 weeks we will have a soft little bundle of love to squeeze and snuggle. Ah....I'm looking forward to the smell of a newborn baby wrapped in soft pink blankets.

Last week I was telling Ken that I don't feel as big as I think I should be. When I said that his eyebrow raised and he looked at my belly a little confused as if to say...Oh, woman don't worry...you are plenty huge. He didn't actually SAY anything because he's smarter than that. But I did read it in his eyes, it was there, trust me. After today's pictures I also agree, I am plenty big. But you ain't seen nothing yet...I'll resemble something close to a barn by the next few weeks.

This weekend I had to do a 24 hour urine test to check for preclampsia because my blood pressure is on the rise. I also had to do the dreaded glucose test today. I spent my morning in the lobby and lab of Orem Community hospital smelling bacon waft into my nose from the snack bar while I was stuck fasting and starving to death. However, I was able to kill two birds with one stone by only having blood drawn once for two different tests. I should find out if I "passed" them both at my appointment on Monday.

I also had dental work done this week. I spent 3 hours in the dental chair having a root canal, fillings, and two crowns. I haven't been able to chew anything since Wednesday, no joke. I can't use either side of my mouth. I feel like I have experienced legal torture, and I still have to go back for more. Bad teeth are the consequence of making 9 kids in 12 years. When put that way I guess the torture is well worth it. But oh, how I hate the dentist!

This week I am looking forward to the company of family for Thanksgiving. Ken's parents will be here on Monday, then his brother's family will be in town for a few days, they will all stay with Ken's sister, Tami, and we will have Thanksgiving here at my house. Hopefully I will be able to eat by then cause Aftyn and I is H-U-N-G-R-Y! I think I'll go make myself some "no chewing required soup"!

Love Note Board

Last year I put up this "Love Note Board" so that I could leave little notes for the kids. Often I would notice something nice they did (like made their bed without being reminded, or doing something kind for a sibling) but they would already be at school or I would be busy and as much as I wanted to remember to say "good job" I would often forget. So I decided if I put up the love note board so I could leave them a note whenever it was convenient and they would have a little treasure to find every once in a while. It's been a fun way to express my love and appreciation for each of them individually.

Soon the kids decided to start leaving love notes to each other. And on occasion I would even find encouraging notes left from friends in the neighborhood.

Last week Todd asked me to write a note for him to Emma. It read....

Emma,

Thank you, Emma, for offering to read to me. And thank you for being so nice to me. I want you to read to me when we don't have school. And I want to do tree climbing lessons. And I want to do bike lessons. If you say no, I might say, that's okay. Just thank you. I hope you have a fantastic day on Christmas. And I hope you have a good day.

Love, Todd

Emma then left this note for Todd...

Dear Todd,

You're a good brother to have in our family. You're doing good on your speech! Thank you for all the thank-you notes. Your the greatest brother ever. I like your bed. Tis' sooo cool.

From, Emma

These are just two of many that have been written. I am so thrilled to see them using the board to write sweet things to each other. Todd and Emma love to spend time together. Emma does read to him and give him climbing and bike riding lessons, it's super cute. The kids also use the love note board to leave Ken and I love notes. Which is an unexpected bonus for us.

We don't use it all the time, just enough to keep it special each time a note is left. I hope it helps the kids know that they are special and loved and that we notice the good things they do even if we don't always express it out loud.

Be a Bucket Filler

I wanted to share a thought from the Principal's Message of the Westmore Elementary's newsletter. I thought it was so cool that it became our FHE lesson last Monday.

In light of the recent attention of bullying in schools and among children in general "the bucketfilling philosophy" is being shared with each class, and as parents we are encouraged to talk to our children and help them apply these principles at home and in our neighborhoods.

So here it is....(taken from "Westmore World" Nov. 2010)

The bucketfilling philosophy teaches that everybody carries an invisible bucket. The bucket represents a person's mental and emotional health. Students learn that people are happy when their buckets are full and sad when they are empty. We fill another person's bucket when we express kindness and perform kind acts. A kind person is a bucket filler. Bucket fillers make our homes, neighborhoods, and schools a better place to be. We believe children must be taught how to love others. As we learn to express kindness and love, we lead happier lives. When we fill other people's buckets, we fill our own bucket too.

There are also bucket dippers-people who try to take good feelings or thoughts by dipping into another person's bucket. A bully is a bucket dipper. Students need to understand that bucket dippers often have an empty bucket and think they can fill their buckets by dipping into someone else's. Children need to know how to deal appropriately with bullies without becoming a bucket dipper too. Our goal is to create a culture where kindness, respect, thoughtfulness, and good will toward all prevail.

I love this! I love that they are teaching this in school. This is what we all should be teaching our children in our homes...to love one another. Unfortunately there are many homes where these principles are not taught. That's why I think it is so great that such a simple yet important lesson is being introduced to our schools.

We spent our family home evening talking to our children about being bucket fillers not bucket dippers. We also had a great experience working together raking the leaves of a neighbor in need. My neighbor has been a bucket filler to me and it felt so nice to repay a little of her kindness.

Anyway, I just thought it was a great message and one worth sharing. Lets all be "Bucket Filler's", okay!!!

Daric turns 2!

Today our little man turned 2! Happy, Happy Birthday, little D-licious! I did manage to get a few birthday photos, but man that is no easy task. 2 years olds do not stay still for longer than 2 seconds.

Daric is a typical 2 year old. He laughs, he cries, he throws fits, he gives great loves, he is a joy and a handful. He is learning so much. He talks alot and repeats so much more. Each day he makes us laugh with his fun personality. He can also make us want to pull our hair out on occasion. But mostly he's just cute!

This video shows a little of his personality. He's a little sweet and a little sour.

We love our little hunky, chunky guy! Happy Birthday, little man!

Basketball

We got a surprise last week when we found out that my nephew, Josh, would be playing basketball at BYU. Josh is on the BYU-Hawaii b-ball team, but we weren't expecting this trip to Provo to play an exhibition game -BYU Hawaii vs. BYU at the Marriott Center. I didn't think I'd ever get to see him play college ball live, because his only close main-land game is in St. George in January, and I won't be doing any traveling in January so I thought I was out of luck. Ken and I and the kids were all giddy to be able to attend his first college game. It was really exciting to see him out on the court.

Josh is number #50.

BYU-Hawaii lost, but it was a good fight.

After the game all the kids followed Cosmo up the stairs. They are all trailing behind him which of course was WAY cool for them. Wish I got a better picture.

This is Josh after the game. He is standing two stairs below me. I had to wait like an hour for his fan club to dissipate before I could get this shot. He was like the hometown hero returning from war. Josh we are so proud of you!

Kaylie's B-day!

Today Kaylie turned 11 years old! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CUTIE PIE!Sydney and I decorated Kaylie's cake with leftover Halloween candy. We used m&m's for Kay's name, nerds for sprinkles, and starbursts and tootsie rolls for the roses.

Here's Kay cruising the hood on her new roller blades.

This is Grandma and Grandpa Roberts calling to give Kaylie birthday wishes.

Movie night...Kaylie picked out the new "Alice in Wonderland". It was totally weird but she love it.

This is Kaylie's Birthday Photo Shoot. (isn't she a doll?!)

Kaylie you are such a beautiful girl inside and out. We are so proud of the young lady you are becoming. I hope you had a wonderful birthday, and I hope you know how much you are loved!

How's it going?

Okay, here is the up close and personal 'real' Nancy. I say 'real' because sometimes when people ask...So, how are you? It's easier to give the generic "I'm fine" answer, but here is the real answer...here is how this grieving, pregnant mother really feels.

Warning: This post will be a hodgepodge of misc. thoughts and feelings. It may not even make any sense, but getting things out and writing things down is therapeutic, so here it goes.

Monday will be 10 weeks since we lost Zachary. I say 'lost' because I like it better than 'died' or 'dead'. I don't like those words. Lost isn't really an accurate word to use since I know exactly where he is, but still it softens the blow so it's the word I prefer to use.

I'll go back several weeks to week 6. Week 6 was really hard for me. That's when the loneliness/depression part of this grieving process began. It's a normal step and a necessary one, but it is really difficult. This is the time that the phone calls and visits slow down or stop. It's natural for other people to get over your grief way before you are ready to. Most people can only take tears once or if they are a good friend maybe a few times before they are ready for no more tears. Unfortunately, grief never ends on someone else's time table. This was a lonely time for me. I wanted to cry all the time, which was unusual, since I was doing pretty good holding it together most of the time. Not this week though. I cried alot!

I wanted to talk to someone who could relate to my pain. Sure, there are MANY that have experienced the loss of a child. My heart goes out to every mother who's heart breaks over the loss of a child or the women with empty arms yearning to hold a child of their own. But I don't know anyone who has experienced MY experience. I wanted to talk to someone that has lost a twin and carried both babies for nine months. I wanted to know what to expect. I didn't know how to deal with my growing fears and anxiety of the birth process. My heart was breaking for Zachary who's body is just in 'waiting' mode. Even though I have a sure knowledge that his spirit is safe and sound and separated from his body I was having great anxiety for the welfare of his earthly body. While another part of me takes great comfort in the fact that he is still with me, that he and Aftyn are still together, and that our children can still talk to him and feel close to him in a physical way. We won't have that luxury of having him physically with us after his birth and that truly breaks my heart. That is a bitter sweet reality. In order to say 'hello' to Aftyn we have to say 'goodbye' to Zachary. Their birth day will be one of sorrow and rejoicing. I look forward to having, holding and loving Aftyn, but that joy is tainted by the pain I know is inevitable.

I got through weeks 6 and 7 mostly due to a priesthood blessing, a trip to the temple, a girl's night out, and a loving Father in Heaven.

During the past few weeks I haven't felt the need to cry constantly. I'm not overly sad all the time. But I have noticed that I must still be depressed because I am lacking so much motivation. I don't want to do anything. Everyday is about the same with the exception of whatever different kids activities are on the schedule. I'm not sleeping well so when morning comes I am almost instantly grumpy with the noise and 'must do's of taking care of kids. All morning I look forward to nap time so I can get some peace and quiet but all too quickly it's over and I spend the rest of the afternoon feeling guilty because now I'm only looking forward to bedtime. I wish I had more energy, motivation, desire, whatever it is I'm lacking to spend good quality time enjoying my kids. Right now it's mostly just trying to get by with the things that have to be done....chores, piano, homework, reading, etc. I feel like a nagging broken record. Mostly I just feel blah. But I don't want to feel that way so I'm coming up with a plan...I just don't have one yet. So this part of the story will have to be continued later...

Yet I still have more ramblings...

During the first week after losing Zach, two friends said something to me that I have not forgotten.

One friend said, "Nancy, I just want you to know what to expect. Some people are going to say really stupid things, and some people are going to ignore you."

She was right. Fortunately I have had very few people say really stupid things, but the latter is true, some people do ignore you. I'm pretty sure I was one of those 'ignore' you kind of people before this experience. I am new to the grieving process and death has always made me uncomfortable. I never knew what to say, or if anything was even appropriate to say, but I've since learned that something is usually better than nothing. Just having your pain acknowledged helps somewhat. Even just and "I'm so sorry" or "Can I give you a hug?" helps so much more than being ignored. Not that I blame people, most people just do what they think is best, with good intentions. But I appreciate the people that are willing to talk to me, ask questions, and listen. Maybe that's different than what some people need, I'm not sure.

This is a strange and foreign road I'm traveling and although Ken and I are traveling it together, people especially men and women, grieve so differently that it almost feels like were together yet alone. If that makes sense. Ken is always there for me, but because we don't have the same needs or feelings at the same time it can be a lonely road.

As Sheri Dew says, "If life were easy, it wouldn't be hard". If it wasn't hard when would we every learn, grow, or turn to the Lord for help and comfort? Probably never...we wouldn't need to.

So to answer the question...How are you doing? It can't really be summed up in a sentence. But here is the gist...

I'm fine...because I have faith in my Heavenly Father and in his son, Jesus Christ. I know this is part of his plan, and I know someday I'll be with Zachary again. I have a wonderful husband, and seven of the most precious little spirits ever born. I have been blessed in MANY ways, and I am truly grateful.

And I'm not fine...because my heart aches. I'm nervous and scared. I'm hurting. This is more painful than I feel I can bare at times. I don't know what to expect and I don't know when the pain will ever stop. I'm sad, depressed, and lonely sometimes.

But this I know...someday my broken heart can be made whole again. I have faith in that.

Oh, I forgot to mention the second thing I learned from a good friend. This came from a friend who visited on day 4. Day 4 was also a really bad day. After crying and telling her my whoas and how I just didn't understand why this happened she said, "Be prepared for great spiritual experiences to come in the next several weeks and years to come". At the time I was thinking I sure could use some, but was doubtful. I was feeling numb and unsure if I would ever experience the blessings and experiences that she spoke of.

I am happy to report that she too was right. I am so grateful for the Holy Ghost, and for the tender mercies of the Lord. I have been showered with blessings in spite of this excruciating pain. Someday this won't hurt so bad, I'll always have sacred memories to cherish, and I have the privilege of looking forward to our unexpected little gift waiting for us on the other side of the veil.

So there is the more detailed update I promised. That's me...that's how I'm doing.

And here is a sincere "Thank You" to the wonderful people in our lives who have helped to ease our burden in anyway. We feel the strength of many prayers and appreciate your many acts of kindness.

Halloween 2010

This was our FHE the Monday before Halloween. Only it took much longer than one night to carve nine pumpkins so it turned into an all week project.

This the night of our ward trunk-or-treat.

Halloween night and our awesome pumpkins.


Halloween night with our baby, cowgirl, football player, 2nd cowgirl, monkey, penguin, and tiger.

If we had as much money as we do candy we'd be very rich indeed, unfortunately, the only thing our candy will get us is fat! Dang!