Birthday, Part 3

Yesterday was not only Aftyn's birthday, but Zachary's too.

Though Zachary is not here to blow out candles or open presents, he was not forgotten.

All year long I have been thinking about this day...the twins 1st birthday. If you know me well, you know I don't like leaving Zachary out. I just can't do it. We can't celebrate his birthday in the same way we can Aftyn's but every year we will celebrate his birthday in a special and meaningful way.

This year Ken took the day off work. He did this for me. Aftyn and Zachary's birthday is the last of all the "firsts", if you know what I mean. "Firsts" are always hard even when you are doing well. I am doing well, but it was so nice to have him by my side the whole day. It strengthened me, and is just what I needed.

Ken and I shopped for baby blankets together...(I'll explain that later).

Then we went to the Temple together, a place where we can feel closer the Heaven. A perfect place to go and think of Zachary on his birthday.

I have tried to look for ways to find purpose and meaning in losing Zachary. I don't want it to just be...I want it to be for something. I want to be a better person because of it. I want my children to have a greater more personal knowledge of God's plan of happiness for His children. I want Ken and I to have a deeper love for our children. I want a greater glimpse into eternity. I want to have greater compassion for others. I want Zachary's short little time on earth to have purpose. And for me it does. Because of him we are all better for all those reasons listed above. We are better because he touched our lives for good, it took only a moment in time to change us forever.

Somewhere along the road this past year I got the idea to donate baby blankets to the hospital in honor of Zachary on his birthday. My intention was to make them, but life gets busy and well this year they were store bought. We plan on continuing this tradition each year. My hope is that each year we will get more and more blankets and be able to donate to many different organizations. This year we donated 10 (one from each of us) to Orem Community Hospital. It's where the twins were born and it felt like the right place to "give back" this year.

Little things like this help heal my heart. I love knowing that we can turn pain into purpose, service, and love. I look forward to making blankets together with my girls this year, and the boys too if they want to help. I love that my children can be a part of something that gives meaning to their little brother that they never got to see, touch or hold, yet they know he is as real as any other sibling they see everyday. This is the beauty of the gospel of Jesus Christ. We can KNOW without having to SEE.

Happy Birthday, Zachary.

Thank you for being a part of our family.

We love you, and miss you everyday.