Last year at this time I was pregnant with twins...Two living, growing, beautiful babies.
Last year at this time I was planning a life with 9 children. Lots of diapers, sleepless nights, full arms, crazy chaos, and tons of LOVE.
Last year at the time I was SO sick, but I kept telling myself that it was all worth it because at the end of the exhaustion, the barfing, and the "all day sickness" I would have double the blessings.
Everyday I can't help but think about...LAST YEAR AT THIS TIME.
Last year on the 4th of July I sat around with my neighbors and friends chatting about our babies as the news of our "double duo" spread. This year I sat with my neighbors and friends as we talked with a new mommy expecting her own "double duo". It was like deju' vu' all over again only with a sting this time.
The ward picnic is coming soon, last year I couldn't make it because I was too sick to get off the couch. My friends took my children so they wouldn't have to miss out. This year I can go, but I won't be able to go without remembering why I couldn't go LAST YEAR.
August 30th is also coming soon.
I know this sounds crazy but I feel like I'm living last year all over again, only this time I know how it ends. In 6 more weeks I'll loose Zachary all over again. Everyday closer to that dreaded day is killing me. I've really tried hard to grieve rationally (if that is possible), and I think I've done a pretty good job. But I'm not doing so well right now. I have heard that FIRSTS are always the hardest after experiencing a loss. However, I didn't really expect this. I've gone through cycles of depression since this whole awful journey began but I'm not able to bounce back as quickly as I'd like to.
This time I think it's bigger that I can fix.
This time I think it's time to talk to someone.
This time I think it's time for THERAPY.
I don't know why that sounds like a big, ugly, scary word, but it does to me. But I think I should have done it a long time ago.
I don't think any mom should have to think about their child's death-day before they get the chance to celebrate their birth-day, but hopefully by the time the twins birthday rolls around I won't feel like climbing into a big black hole and never coming out.
(sorry for the depressing post, I tend to think out loud too much)
9 comments:
My heart goes out to you Nancy.
Please don't be afraid of therapy. I know it's a big ugly, scary word to you but I also know how essential it can be. Sometimes we need more than just a shoulder to cry on and our Father knows that so He sent us people that were given the gift of healing our broken hearts.
I agree with someone else.. I have had this same reaction and put it under the rug for many years until about 10 years ago I went into therapy and it has made a world of difference in my life.. I gained coping skills that I couldn't have done on my own.. If I were you knowing what I know now I would RUN to a therapist and give my life an amazing lift and be blessed from here on.. Don't expect to heal in one visit..it took me 6 months.. best wishes to you
Nancy, I'm so sorry to see you suffering like this. I know that my experiences are different, and I don't pretend to understand what you're going through perfectly, but I do understand the pain of those "firsts" after a miscarriage.
I haven't really talked about my miscarriages before, but I've had three - all between Max and Jared. One of the most memorable happened on Mother's Day and was simultaneous with a family baby blessing. I've found myself grieving in silence that day as I watched a baby blessed, and knew that the child I anticipated would never come. I was surprised by the grieving I felt that "first" Mother's Day afterward, and how I wasn't celebrating being a Mother to the baby I lost.
Four years later, I can say that I focus more on the blessings of being a mother to any child at all. I'm sure I'll always think and wonder about those babies. But I can do it now with more faith than heartache.
There's nothing about therapy to feel bad about, especially if it will help you move forward and find the peace and comfort you need for yourself, and to bring your focus back to the blessed little ones who are IN your mortal life right now. They are lucky to have such an exceptional Mother, and so is Zachary.
You are strong Nancy. You'll find your way through this pain, but don't be too hard on yourself for grieving or wanting help to work your way through it. You are loved by so many people and a Father in Heaven who loves you even more perfectly than the rest of us. He'll help you through - I can testify of that.
I am so sorry you are struggling. Hold all of your babies closer now because this life will go by quick and you will have ALL of your babies soon enough.
Also, I am a huge advocate for therapy/counseling. Sometimes you have to talk to someone who is outside of the situation to be there, listen and help you work on healing. That counseling could very well be the answer to your prayers.
Nancy,
You are one of the most wonderful people I know. Loss is something that has to be healed. Often we can come to terms with loss on our own but sometimes it requires another tangible human being to listen to us and help us through the grieving process. I'm a fan of counseling. It's done wonders for me and my situation. It takes more than one session but I know that if you work hard, with the right person, counseling works. Sometimes I find myself applying what I learned to other areas of frustration in my life. I love that I have that knowledge. I know that Heavenly Father will be near you every moment in your healing. I admire you so much and I'm so glad we've been able become friends. I think you have an amazing family and I'm so sorry that you have to experience the pain you are experiencing. I hope and pray that you will find peace and comfort. Zachary is very blessed to have a mother like you. I'm sure he will be near too as you find comfort. I love you.
Nancy, what beautiful comments made here and I wish I could say it as well as these ladies. But I do want you to know that I care about you and I ache for you and I think you are such a super mom. Love ya, Kari Wendt
Nancy,
I am so very sorry. I remember the year of firsts with my 2 lost babies, the seconds...all the way through the fifths. There are certain places, times, or events that bring it all back. The first time I saw an ultrasound picture after my miscarriage was at a baby shower and I just about lost it completely. Things seems to ebb and flow...with my dad it was the same, then suddenly it was 10 years, 15 years and this year will start a year of "20 years since" my dad died. And there are moments that are still just as painful as the year of firsts with out him. My grandma says, "The pain doesn't go away, It just gets 'padded' by the love of family and people that care." So seek us all out when you are feeling that pain. We want to be the padding...to soften what we cannot fix, to mourn with you, cry with you, to love you! And some day Jesus will dry all our tears and there will be no more sorrow!
I think it's great that you think out loud sometimes. It gives us an idea that something isn't right and that you need friends, that you need an ear, that you need some comfort, some blessings, some prayers....and maybe some therapy ;), but know that it isn't such a big bad ugly word. I'm learning that it actually has a good side to it. I haven't lost a child and I won't pretend to understand, but I do understand the need to be heard, and the need to need some help. I love you Nancy, I truly hope that sending prayers, and my thoughts are good enough for now. In November when we're home to visit Jake and I would love to come visit...maybe do dinner with you and Ken. We love you guys.
Hi, I just stumbled upon your blog and found your family fascinating. First of all, I love the comment from Richard G. Scott on the side of your page.
My heart goes out to you and your family for losing such a precious spirit. Although I haven't lost a child, I have had postpartum depression and can relate to the need for "therapy". Feel free to read my post: http://johnnyandjill.blogspot.com/2011/07/abide-with-me.html (I want to add that I had prenatal depression and possibly some post-traumatic stress related to choices of a family member. I didn't blog about it because it was too much. I find myself looking back at last year remembering and thinking about what was happening each day and how my heart was broken. It's hard, but I'm choosing to remember the happy moments so I can cherish the good memories.
I hope things get better for you and that your family can have peace now.
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