How's it going?

Okay, here is the up close and personal 'real' Nancy. I say 'real' because sometimes when people ask...So, how are you? It's easier to give the generic "I'm fine" answer, but here is the real answer...here is how this grieving, pregnant mother really feels.

Warning: This post will be a hodgepodge of misc. thoughts and feelings. It may not even make any sense, but getting things out and writing things down is therapeutic, so here it goes.

Monday will be 10 weeks since we lost Zachary. I say 'lost' because I like it better than 'died' or 'dead'. I don't like those words. Lost isn't really an accurate word to use since I know exactly where he is, but still it softens the blow so it's the word I prefer to use.

I'll go back several weeks to week 6. Week 6 was really hard for me. That's when the loneliness/depression part of this grieving process began. It's a normal step and a necessary one, but it is really difficult. This is the time that the phone calls and visits slow down or stop. It's natural for other people to get over your grief way before you are ready to. Most people can only take tears once or if they are a good friend maybe a few times before they are ready for no more tears. Unfortunately, grief never ends on someone else's time table. This was a lonely time for me. I wanted to cry all the time, which was unusual, since I was doing pretty good holding it together most of the time. Not this week though. I cried alot!

I wanted to talk to someone who could relate to my pain. Sure, there are MANY that have experienced the loss of a child. My heart goes out to every mother who's heart breaks over the loss of a child or the women with empty arms yearning to hold a child of their own. But I don't know anyone who has experienced MY experience. I wanted to talk to someone that has lost a twin and carried both babies for nine months. I wanted to know what to expect. I didn't know how to deal with my growing fears and anxiety of the birth process. My heart was breaking for Zachary who's body is just in 'waiting' mode. Even though I have a sure knowledge that his spirit is safe and sound and separated from his body I was having great anxiety for the welfare of his earthly body. While another part of me takes great comfort in the fact that he is still with me, that he and Aftyn are still together, and that our children can still talk to him and feel close to him in a physical way. We won't have that luxury of having him physically with us after his birth and that truly breaks my heart. That is a bitter sweet reality. In order to say 'hello' to Aftyn we have to say 'goodbye' to Zachary. Their birth day will be one of sorrow and rejoicing. I look forward to having, holding and loving Aftyn, but that joy is tainted by the pain I know is inevitable.

I got through weeks 6 and 7 mostly due to a priesthood blessing, a trip to the temple, a girl's night out, and a loving Father in Heaven.

During the past few weeks I haven't felt the need to cry constantly. I'm not overly sad all the time. But I have noticed that I must still be depressed because I am lacking so much motivation. I don't want to do anything. Everyday is about the same with the exception of whatever different kids activities are on the schedule. I'm not sleeping well so when morning comes I am almost instantly grumpy with the noise and 'must do's of taking care of kids. All morning I look forward to nap time so I can get some peace and quiet but all too quickly it's over and I spend the rest of the afternoon feeling guilty because now I'm only looking forward to bedtime. I wish I had more energy, motivation, desire, whatever it is I'm lacking to spend good quality time enjoying my kids. Right now it's mostly just trying to get by with the things that have to be done....chores, piano, homework, reading, etc. I feel like a nagging broken record. Mostly I just feel blah. But I don't want to feel that way so I'm coming up with a plan...I just don't have one yet. So this part of the story will have to be continued later...

Yet I still have more ramblings...

During the first week after losing Zach, two friends said something to me that I have not forgotten.

One friend said, "Nancy, I just want you to know what to expect. Some people are going to say really stupid things, and some people are going to ignore you."

She was right. Fortunately I have had very few people say really stupid things, but the latter is true, some people do ignore you. I'm pretty sure I was one of those 'ignore' you kind of people before this experience. I am new to the grieving process and death has always made me uncomfortable. I never knew what to say, or if anything was even appropriate to say, but I've since learned that something is usually better than nothing. Just having your pain acknowledged helps somewhat. Even just and "I'm so sorry" or "Can I give you a hug?" helps so much more than being ignored. Not that I blame people, most people just do what they think is best, with good intentions. But I appreciate the people that are willing to talk to me, ask questions, and listen. Maybe that's different than what some people need, I'm not sure.

This is a strange and foreign road I'm traveling and although Ken and I are traveling it together, people especially men and women, grieve so differently that it almost feels like were together yet alone. If that makes sense. Ken is always there for me, but because we don't have the same needs or feelings at the same time it can be a lonely road.

As Sheri Dew says, "If life were easy, it wouldn't be hard". If it wasn't hard when would we every learn, grow, or turn to the Lord for help and comfort? Probably never...we wouldn't need to.

So to answer the question...How are you doing? It can't really be summed up in a sentence. But here is the gist...

I'm fine...because I have faith in my Heavenly Father and in his son, Jesus Christ. I know this is part of his plan, and I know someday I'll be with Zachary again. I have a wonderful husband, and seven of the most precious little spirits ever born. I have been blessed in MANY ways, and I am truly grateful.

And I'm not fine...because my heart aches. I'm nervous and scared. I'm hurting. This is more painful than I feel I can bare at times. I don't know what to expect and I don't know when the pain will ever stop. I'm sad, depressed, and lonely sometimes.

But this I know...someday my broken heart can be made whole again. I have faith in that.

Oh, I forgot to mention the second thing I learned from a good friend. This came from a friend who visited on day 4. Day 4 was also a really bad day. After crying and telling her my whoas and how I just didn't understand why this happened she said, "Be prepared for great spiritual experiences to come in the next several weeks and years to come". At the time I was thinking I sure could use some, but was doubtful. I was feeling numb and unsure if I would ever experience the blessings and experiences that she spoke of.

I am happy to report that she too was right. I am so grateful for the Holy Ghost, and for the tender mercies of the Lord. I have been showered with blessings in spite of this excruciating pain. Someday this won't hurt so bad, I'll always have sacred memories to cherish, and I have the privilege of looking forward to our unexpected little gift waiting for us on the other side of the veil.

So there is the more detailed update I promised. That's me...that's how I'm doing.

And here is a sincere "Thank You" to the wonderful people in our lives who have helped to ease our burden in anyway. We feel the strength of many prayers and appreciate your many acts of kindness.