Stop The Ride...I Want to Get Off!

I wanted to make it through our current trial of unemployment with perfect faith, never doubting. When it was over I wanted to hold my head up high and say...See! I knew the Lord would answer our prayers, I knew everything would be alright.

I failed.


January has been a roller-coaster of emotional ups and downs. Okay, truthfully we've been on a roller-coaster since July, but up until recently I could stomach it. This past weekend I just wanted to scream..."Stop the ride...I want off. I can't do this anymore".


This is the part where I get really honest, sappy, angry...etc. Feel free to stop reading if you want. I write because it helps me process my thoughts. This is mostly a selfish post I suppose...just doing a little self therapy.


Nothing much has changed around here...we are still unemployed and technically doing fine. I should feel blessed and most of the time I do. But this weekend I indulged in a little self pity. More than a little I guess...I think I was wallowing in a big black self pity pit. I guess the excitement/disappointment lifestyle we've been living has finally taken it's toll. Or maybe the Lord just brings you to that breaking point so you can finally be humble enough to listen for a change. I can't be sure of that yet, because I'm still sifting through the ashes of a crash and burn weekend...hence this post. I'm sure there are some eternal words of wisdom and a life altering lesson in the making here. I just have to make wait for the smoke to clear before I can actually see it. Okay, tangent over...


Looking back I can see one thing that changed in January...it was Ken and I. We are typically a pretty blissful couple. We love each other, we love the gospel, and we love our children. That is what our lives center around...love, love, and more love. Well, over that last few weeks we've had a few differences of opinion (I'm not sure why he ever tries that, it never works out well), anyways, with our defences down our little disagreements turned into big irritations. We are usually pretty good about leaning on each other. When one is weak typically the other is strong and vice-versa. It works out good...unless we're both weak at the same time. That's when the crap hits the fan. Which would be good way to describe the last few weeks...just crappy, blah, stupid, icky...you get the point.

Well, Sunday night I finally broke. After weeks of pent up frustration, loneliness, and fear the dam broke. I ended up in a sobbing heap of hysterics on the kitchen floor. It wasn't really one of those good cleansing cries when after it's over you feel refreshed and renewed. No, this was one of those...if I don't stop hyperventilating I'm never gonna live through this...kind of cry. It was the kind that leaves you feeling empty and exhausted. The kind that makes your eyes so puffing and swollen that you want to lock yourself in your room for a day. It was the kind that in between heaving and gasping for air you hear all the lies satan wants you to believe. It was the kind of cry when rational and irrational thoughts fight for dominance. I lost track of time...I have no idea how long I spent on the kitchen floor. Ken was sitting close, probably scared, wondering if I was going to need a straight-jacket.

While I sat on the floor, with a thousand thoughts swirling inside my head, I was hit with one stark reality....I was powerless. I could not change the fate of our family. I could not support our family myself. I could not get a job for Ken any better than he could. I was completely dependant on Ken and my Father in Heaven. It was a place I did not want to be. I didn't want to trust in them. I wanted the power to fix this all by myself. I don't like to need anyone. Needing them made me too vulnerable. People can hurt you when you are vulnerable. I don't like being hurt, or disappointed. Even though my Father in Heaven has never disappointed me, I struggled to let go and hand this fight over to Him.

As for Ken, this may sound strange, but at that moment I was afraid of loving him so much. It seemed to me that depending, needing, and loving some one so much just put me in a dangerous place. Again, I hated the being so vulnerable. In my half irrational mind it seemed safer not to trust him, not to need him. I felt helpless. I realized how much of my self-worth is tied into him. The whole world could be my enemy, but I would be fine as long as he loved me. When we are fighting it's so hard for me to feel loved by him or anyone. Ken wasn't withholding his love from me...in fact...he was right next to me making sure I was going to be okay. So, why couldn't I feel it? This question is actually not rhetorical...if you are still reading...(bless your heart, and sorry about all this)...but really as I sat there on the floor all I could feel was a dark black empty whole in my chest. I couldn't feel my Savior's love, or my Heavenly Father's, or my husbands, or my families, or my friends. Why? My logical self can tell me that I am loved, I have evidence of that all around me. I KNOW it! So why couldn't I FEEL it? All I could feel was a consuming deep emptiness.

Okay, maybe I can answer my own question. I was just thinking...Does satan really have that much power over us? Thinking about it and realized that I didn't just fall apart one night just because. I was holding on to a lot of anger all week. I was avoiding Ken because I wanted to keep being mad. I felt I was justified so I just let my anger fester. I also didn't want to pray. I did pray because I knew I needed Heavenly Father's help, but they were not humble prayers. I wanted the Lord's help without having to do my part. I had let my anger, fear, and pride fester all the way into despair. Satan didn't just have power...I gave it to him! Oh, crud...I get it now.

I think my ramblings are almost over. Things are making a little more sense now. See...I knew talking to myself in cyber-world would help.

One last thought...
Last night during family scriptures we read in 1st Nephi when the Lord commanded Nephi and his brothers to return to Jerusalem to obtain the brass plates. I have read this numerous times but last night I heard it with knew clarity. The Lord gave them a commandment, but he didn't make it easy. He didn't say...go back...knock on the door...tell Laban you need the plates, and he'll hand them over. Oh, no. The only thing that Nephi knew was that the Lord would provide a way...eventually. They were not successful on their first try, or even their second. It was a difficult task they were commanded to do. Finally, after failing and almost losing their lives the Lord delivered Laban into Nephi's hands. Even then it was not easy...Nephi had to learn that sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do in order to bring about something better.

We are counseled to liken all scriptures undo ourselves...so here I go. This is my version of our hypothetical trip to Jerusalem....Ken had a choice at work....he could be the 'company man' and do things that went again his ethics or he could sacrifice his job, but keep his integrity. He did what he knew was the right thing, knowing that it would not be easy, knowing it would bring consequences, but not knowing how it would end. He just trusted in the Lord, that we would be blessed for choosing the right. Being unemployed has not been an easy road. He didn't get the first, second, or hundredth job he's applied for. We've been disappointed, scared, and angry at times. But we've had faith that the Lord would provide a way. Even though my faith wavered for a weekend, I really do believe that in the end (whenever that is) it will all be okay. Maybe even more than okay...sometimes the Lord's blesses us even more than we originally asked. (case in point...we have 7 kids...who would have thought!) Anyway, sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do in order for the Lord to make room for a bigger blessing. I'm not suggesting that we'll have to cut off any one's head. I think in our case we just need to endure to the end.

Okay, I'm feeling better. I'm no longer scared to trust Ken or my Heavenly Father. My faith is renewed and I'm back in for the long haul, however long it takes. Wow! I'm kind-of amazed at the power of words. Not to mention the gift of the Holy Ghost. Whoo! I'm back to feeling like a lucky girl. Thanks for letting me vent. That felt good!