I Used To Be Able To...

I used to be able to manage a house full of little ones, be pregnant, be the Primary President, be the Room-mom, volunteer on the PTA, go to play groups, keep a clean house, visit friends, do my visiting teaching, and do it all at the same time with a smile on my face.....I can't anymore. I'm TIRED. Of course some of these things I can't illiminate, nor would I want to. But over the last few years I have had to learn to say, "NO". That word has just about killed me in the past. The thought of telling someone NO gave me huge anxiety. I dreaded it, and rarely did I ever say NO.

After #5 turned about 18 months old my hectic yet peaceful world came crashing down. At that point everything outside of keeping that child from disaster became less of a priority. It took nearly all my time and energy making sure #5 didn't hurt himself, someone else, or anything that he came in contact with. Everything became a monumental task, even the simple things I used to do with ease. Nothing was easy anymore. I started having to say, NO just out of pure necessity. I just couldn't do what I used to be able to do.

Over the next few years I began to lose myself. I stopped hanging with friends because #5 couldn't play nice. I stopped going places because everything became a fight, a tantrum, or just pain out of control. I stopped doing a lot of the things that made me happy because anytime I turned my back disaster struck. I began to feel trapped and even resentful that this child that I loved dearly and fiercely defended was taking so much from me. At this same time Ken and I had a role reversal in our church callings. I was released from my calling that got me out of the house once a week with no kids. And he took my place being away from home. He got called to the Bishopric and I got put in cold storage, or so it felt. It was a blessing and a curse. I didn't feel like I could do more, yet I NEEDED more of something. More time to myself, more quiet, more social interaction without chasing babies, more than just cooking, cleaning and changing diapers. But I never felt like a could very safely leave #5 in the hands of anyone else. No one else could keep a good enough eye on him, no one else cared for him like I did, no one else could handle the power struggles. During this time anxiety and depression knew me well. It was a lonely time. I rarely felt like I could take in a full breathe of air. A feeling of suffocation always lingered near.

Life hasn't stopped since that time. I have had two babies since then. Life never stops, but slowly for me it has gotten better. Why? Because #5 isn't so difficult anymore. I am still in survival mode most of the time, but it is different. For the most part the clouds have lifted. I don't like anxiety or depression, I fight them everyday. Not because life is terrible, but because they are in my genes. I think it will be a struggle for the rest of my life. But I will win. I always do eventually.

Life is good, I am so blessed. I can see blessing all around me. There was a time when I felt so alone that I couldn't even feel my Father in Heavens love for me. I felt abandoned. But I truly know that was not the case. He was always with me. However, he knows what we need to make us stronger. I needed to need Him. To learn to rely on Him, to pray and ask for help. For so long I thought I could do anything and everything by myself, I didn't need anyone. People disappoint. I didn't want to rely on anyone, even my Savior. (How dumb I was) Having #5 taught me that I can't do things alone. I need help sometimes. I especially need my Savior. He never disappoints, even when the answer to prayer sounds like a NO. It's usually just WAIT, I have something better in mind. When life crashed down on me, He picked me up, only after I learned what I needed to know. Thank heavens for trials, and little #5's who teach me great things.

I really don't know why I decided to go down this road today. I didn't know I was going to. Like I said, I am tired. I have had two nights with little sleep and I think I just needed to talk. Thanks for listening.